Marriage - Part 1
What should it be?
Join with me as we journey into a simplified look at marriage.
Not so long ago I found myself listening to a discussion on a local
radio station about marriage. They were focusing on the roles that husbands and
wives are to fulfil in the marriage. I was amazed at how many people were
phoning in and commenting about problems they were having in their marriages
especially as regards the role that they had to take on in their marriage, and
the absence of love therein.
The Apostle John, in his first letter to a group of
Christians urging them to continue in their Christian-walk, was rather blunt
and to the point about God’s love and what our understanding of love should be.
... let us love one another, for love comes
from God …
… God is love … Whoever lives in love lives in God,
and God in him …
… We love because He first loved us.
If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his
brother, he is a liar ...
Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
1 John
4:7–21 (NIV)
Unless we truly understand God’s self-sacrificial love for us, we will never get this right. And getting it right is key for a good marriage. The understanding would be for a couple to take something like that which is written [self-sacrificial love] and to then make it a guide for their marriage. The reality is that without God’s love being evident in you and your spouse’s life, your marriage will take on a meaningless existence. You see God’s way of love is the base foundation. Get that right and then put the building blocks on top of that.
Allow me to paint these two scenarios. In the first scenario we have Bob and Babette. Bob grows up in a household where mom does everything. She tidies up after him, puts his clothes in the laundry or back in the cupboard, and makes his bed. Babette grows up in a household where she is expected to take care of her personal space. Now they get married. Yes, can you picture the scene. Soon she blows her cool and vents at him. He screams back at her asking her what her problem is. Who is at fault Bob or Babette? How do they resolve this. In the second scenario we have Joe and Flo. Joe grows up in a household where mom prepares a proper sit-down meal every night with the exception of the odd take-out or restaurant evening. Flo grows up in a household where dad and mom work hard hours and dinner is really a pot-luck affair, with many take-outs and TV dinners involved. Now they get married. Again, can you picture the scene. Eventually he blows his cool and wants to know why she can't cook like his mother. Who is at fault, Joe or Flo?
There are many books written about love and
marriage, and I would advocate that you should most certainly read them,
especially if they are written by a Christian author. A very interesting book
is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. A book I recommend to all
married couples, especially to those undergoing marital counselling, is Love
and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is worth your while to get them.
Read it separately, and whatever you do, do not finger-point as you read
through them. Allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you about what you need to
change, not about what you want Him to change in your spouse.
The key to a happy marriage is sacrificing your own
personal agenda for the interests of your spouse. But this is all to be
done in the context of God’s version of self-sacrificial love, not the world’s
version. Ponder on this thinking – ‘What is best for the marriage, not for
myself?’ So many cracks appear in a marriage due to lack of that thinking.
I speak from a personal point. In my first marriage
I did not understand this thinking, nor did I apply it. Not that I was selfish or
controlling in any way. It was a lack of the finer things that showed I had no
understanding. In the next episode I will share some of my personal experiences
and insights into the husband’s role.
For today, if we begin to grasp that I
lay my rights down in my marriage and rather focus on fulfilling
my spouse’s needs. This is not as the
world views needs and desires but rather as God defines them to be, then we are
off to a good start. Consider asking God to be the architect of your marriage and building on that you make grace the foundation.
Father, I ask that you bless those who desire to
have a marriage modelled on your principles. Giving them much wisdom and
insight. Father, that they would seek you first and then ask you to change
their heart, not their spouse’s heart. That they would uplift their spouse to
you and leave them in your hands.
Amen.